


Modern 'Family'

by KashedPrince



Series: FANmily [1]
Category: Modern Family (TV), One Piece
Genre: ;-;, F/F, F/M, I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I am, I might do a fanfic on that, I tried to make it as funny as possible, M/M, Modern Family is the funniest show besides The Office, enjoy, or add it in here?, pls, this is going to be fun to write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 02:00:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11659263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KashedPrince/pseuds/KashedPrince
Summary: This series is a crossover between One Piece and Modern Family. I may add parts from The Office into the story since it's one of my other favorite shows.Follow the story of the Supernovas, Straw Hats, Marines and many more as they all attempt to live the life of a 'normal' family in a 'normal' neighborhood.Just like in Modern Family, there will be interview sections within each chapter.Enjoy!





	1. They really are the 'Worst'

 

X Drake never thought about suicide, but now he was close to jumping straight out of the second story window. Though, he probably wouldn't die anyway. It's only been the first day of living with the other Supernovas and he already wanted to quit. Kid and his gang were blaring hard rock music and jumping on the poor furniture that surprisingly didn't break. Drake hoped that they would break their necks during their headbanging sessions. Law and his troupe were chasing after them as they attempted to get them to stop. Apoo was blaring his own music that made the house sound like nothing but screams and poor attempts at a proper beat. It was like a retarded garage band full of middle school emos who thought they could create their own genre of "screamo" but ended up sounding like hobos banging on trashcan lids and starting fires in people's backyards whilst screaming at the tops of their lungs. Bonney was eating all of their groceries that Drake had just went out and bought. Urouge and Capone were trying to watch the TV, but it was obviously nothing but pictures on the screen since no one could hear it anyway. They had long given up on trying to get the younger ones to 'shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down'. Thankfully, Hawkins was upstairs in his room that was darker than Kaido's asshole probably playing with his cards or concocting a potion to kill them all. At least Drake could stand him, even if he made voodoo dolls of everyone the minute he arrived at the house. Drake just hoped his doll wouldn't be stabbed or tortured anytime soon.

 

"Turn that techno shit off, asshole!" Kid snarled at Apoo.

 

"Only if you turn down whatever punk shit you're playing." Apoo shot back, his fucked up arms twisting as he continued to produce sounds from his body. X Drake would never understand how that fucker could even do that, but whatever.

 

* * *

 

 

_"Who was the dumbass that thought it was a good idea to do this 'family' thing?" Drake looked at the camera._

 

_A voice behind the camera said, "Pretty sure it was the Celestial Dragons."_

 

_Drake closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing loudly. He then rubbed his face and just sat there as a loud crash came from outside and maniacal laughter followed it; the camera closing in on his sad face._

 

* * *

 

 

Bonney let out a scream. "I NEED MORE FOOD!"

 

"Haven't you eaten enough already?!" Capone snapped, turning to look away from the TV to glare at her.

 

Urouge just shook his head. "She needs her own refrigerator if this keeps up."

 

X Drake sat at the foot of the stairs as he watched the comic scene in front of him: Kid had Apoo in a headlock, the latter shrieking. Law was trying to separate them with the use of his Room ability; Killer cheering Kid on. Penguin, Shachi and Bepo all tried to pry Kid off of the poor music man when Law only succeeded in separating their hearts from their bodies and not the two off of each other. Bonney grabbed a pair of car keys that hopefully weren't his as she headed outside, exclaiming that she was going to buy more food. Capone and Urouge went after her, the latter mentioning again about an extra fridge for her while Capone complained about the possibility of spending all of their money on food products.

 

There was another shriek and Drake practically crawled up the stairs. His energy all gone from watching the chaos unfold right in front of him. AS he made his way to his room, he heard chanting, or what he considered chanting, coming from Hawkins's room. He slowly got closer to the door and leaned in to hear what was being said but the voices had stopped and he blinked. He nearly bolted from the door as a voice said, "If you wanted to come in, you could have just knocked."

 

Drake looked around, then up as he looked straight into a camera pointed down at the door.

 

_Oh._

 

"I was just, uh," Drake began. "heading to my room cause, you know, the racket downstairs is pretty bad and I-"

 

"Just come in."

 

Drake looked around again and slowly touched the doorknob, opening the bedroom door as it creaked. He was met with total darkness and he could barely see straight in front of him as he closed the door behind him. "You should invest in some lighting. Sitting in the dark is kinda bad for your eyes-"

 

"Sit down." Hawkins ordered from Drake's right.

 

After much stumbling and falling over what felt like a body - _it was definitely a body -_ Drake sat down at the edge of Hawkins bed once a lamp was turned on to help him maneuver through the dark room. Hawkins sat against the headboard of his bed, a deck of cards splayed out in front of him. Drake looked at the cards then up at Hawkins, who was silently staring back at him.

 

Drake cleared his throat. "I see you got your cards out..." He tried to make conversation.

 

Hawkins picked up a card and flipped it around so Drake could see what was on it. A picture of a man that looked to be singing and the word "The Fool" was on the card. "Do you know what these mean?"

 

Drake blinked. "Ah, no?"

 

Hawkins blinked back at him and set the card down. "These are tarot cards. I read these to determine the fate of everyone in this house."

 

Drake let out a weak laugh. "Oh, well, I hope no one gets the death card, haha..."

 

Hawkins just stared. "No one has it... Yet."

 

Drake guessed that suicide wasn't on the agenda today... or tomorrow... or the day after that either.

 

In the awkward silence, Drake took the time to clearly look at Hawkins. The blonde was wearing a black shirt that fit his frame; a picture of a magician was on the front. Grey sweat pants hung loosely against his hips and legs. His feet disappeared in the soft, black blankets upon his bed. His blonde hair looked quite soft as it lay against his shoulders and chest. When Drake's roaming eyes continued upwards, his eyes met Hawkins, who only blinked slowly back at him.

 

"Sorry, I was just... uh..." Drake scratched the back of his head.

 

Hawkins didn't respond, only looking back at him. And that's when Drake realized that he wasn't looking at him at all. He was looking just past his left ear. Drake narrowed his eyes and slowly turned to look at what Hawkins was staring at.

 

* * *

 

_Hawkins was setting some cards down on a mini table in front of him. He sniffed and looked up as shrieking came from upstairs. "I suppose I forgot to tell everyone about the mummified... 'doll'... that moves on its own."_

 

_The shrieking suddenly stopped and the camera zoomed in towards the foot of the stairs as the head of a mummified creature peeked at the cameraman, who let out his own shriek, ditching the camera and bolting from the house. Hawkins blinked at the abandoned camera as the creature came downstairs. "They'll find out for themselves eventually."_

 

* * *

 

 

Law had been wondering what all that shrieking was about, but his attention was soon averted to Penguin, who was being pressed against the wall as Killer tried to flirt with him, but instead looked like he was threatening the poor guy with how much he hovered over him. Penguin shot Law a terrified look, but Law only smirked back and lifted his hand to give his friend a thumbs up, but got flipped off in return.

 

Law currently sat on the empty couch, the music war finally over after Law gave Kid and Apoo's hearts a good squeeze. The latter was giving him deathly glares from the kitchen as he sipped on a can of soda. Kid had stepped outside, probably pouting that his fun had been interrupted and Law had thought that that was cute. Law snorted to himself. Kid? Cute? No way in all the seven seas would Kid ever be cute. Unless he sulked like he was doing now. That was kinda cute.

 

Bepo was being used as a footrest for Law, the bear not minding as he napped on the floor. The poor thing wasn't allowed on the couch, since he began to shed his winter fur all over the place. Shachi had been sitting beside Law, but had gotten up to aid Penguin in his fight against the horny Killer. The rescue mission failed as Killer was now trying to persuade the two to engage in a threesome with him.

 

Law couldn't help the laugh that escaped him. It was just so amusing. He felt the couch sink beneath him and he turned his head to a smiling Kid. When Kid smiled, it was never a good thing. The red headed punk raised his arm to try and wrap it around Law's shoulders. "You done sulking?" Law teased.

 

Kid snorted. "I wasn't sulking." What a liar.

 

"Liar."

 

"What? I _never_ lie!"

 

Boi.

 

Law just rolled his eyes, ignoring the many attempts of Kid trying to snuggle up to him. Kid's legs were spread apart, as if inviting Law to sit between them, but the tattooed man just smirked some more and continued to ignore him.

 

"So," Kid began in a flirtatious tone. "Got any plans for later?"

 

"No," Law answered. "But," He quickly added before Kid could reply. Law turned and sat on Kid's lap, putting both hands on Kid's face as he leaned in to whisper, "If you even think of trying to get into my pants, I'll rearrange every organ in your body to the point where you'll have to shit through your nose and breath through your finger nails." Law then hopped off of Kid and made his way to the kitchen, Apoo hissing at him.

 

* * *

 

 

_Kidd shrugged. "That just made my dick hard."_

 

_The cameraman snorted and Kid laughed, leaning back into the couch and spreading his legs. The tent his hard on was making was visible through his dark colored, baggy, army jeans._

 

* * *

 

 

Bonney slammed the door open, carrying a bunch of Walmart bags. "FOOOOOD!"

 

Urouge lugged in the giant ass fridge that was obviously for Bonney while Capone carried in a mass amount of McDonald's bags.

 

"Here," Capone said, setting the bags down. "Go ahead and eat. It's too late to try and cook anything." He then snorted under his breath. "Like any of us could cook anyway.. Well.. Besides Penguin..."

 

Law looked at his watch. It was 8:30pm. They had been gone for several hours. Damn.

 

"You've been gone for a while that I thought you had all been sucked into the void." Hawkins said as he trailed from upstairs. Drake followed slowly after him, a dreaded look on his face. Hawkins seemed to be looking around for something, even mumbling "Now, where did it go...?" as Drake wrapped himself in a blanket that had been sitting on the back of a chair as if he were freezing. Law did hear screams that sounded like Drake. Eh, he'd worry about it later.

 

As they all sat down to eat at the long table, all conversation halted as Killer took of his mask. He took a sip from his soda and just froze with the straw hanging from his lips.

 

"What?" He asked.

 

Killer had a handsome face! Well, his hair covered his eyes, but he had a normal mouth with soft lips. No beard or mustache. It looked so... _clean_. His deep voice sounded even deeper without a mask baring the sound.

 

Kid rolled his eyes as he shoved fries in his mouth. "They've never seen you without your mask before."

 

Killer shrugged and went back to eating. "Get a good look now cause the mask is going back on after-"

 

Penguin basically slid across the table and kissed Killer.

 

The room went silent again until Bonney tried to eat someone's food and everyone went back to what they were doing as they battled the 'beast' for their fries. Killer was frozen before moving a chair between Penguin and Shachi. He looked at each man before looking at the camera, a smirk on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

_Killer still had his mask off as he rubbed his hands together. "Guess who's getting laid tonight." He gave the camera a toothy smile._

 

_Penguin walked past and Killer watched him go, his head moving down as if checking out Penguin's ass before rubbing his nose and giving the camera another smirk._

 

* * *

 

 

Apoo was playing some smooth jazz as the 'family' settled down for the night. Capone, Bonney, Hawkins, X Drake and Urouge had left to their rooms. Penguin and Shachi were giggling like school bitches as Kid and Killer seemed to be telling jokes or flirting, Law couldn't tell since they both sucked at either option.

 

Law decided to take this time to call his 'parents', leaving Bepo curled up on the floor as he headed outside to the patio. He sat down in one of the rocking chairs and dialed up their number from his cell phone. The phone barely rang once as it was picked up and a happy "LAW!" came from the other end.

 

Law smiled. "Hey, Cora-san."

 

Rocinante went silent on the other end and Law could only guess that the older man was still shocked that Law continued to call him by that name. It basically melted his heart. He heard another voice trying to take the phone from Rocinante as said man suddenly sniffled.

 

"He called me 'Cora-san'." Rocinante spoke to the other person.

 

"I know, just give me the phone before you break it." A deeper, country like accent spoke.

 

"Hey, Aokiji." Law smiled again.

 

"Hey, Hey," Kuzan said. " You can just call me Kuzan."

 

"Aw, but I think Aokiji sounds better."

 

"You little brat."

 

"I love you, too."

 

"Laaaaw!" Rocinante said. "How are you? Are you fitting in nicely? They're not being mean to you are they? You're getting enough to eat, right? Do you have your own room? You have all your medical stuff-"

 

"Yes, 'Mom'." Law rolled his eyes. "I'm fine. Everyone's fine."

 

"He called me 'mom'." Rocinante sniffled again.

 

"Alright, well, if you're doing fine that's all good to me." Kuzan replied.

 

Law continued to speak with them for a while longer until he began to feel exhausted. He hung up after a bit, much to the disappointment of a certain Corazon. He pocketed his cell phone and got up, stretching. He let out a satisfied hum as every bone popped. He heard a low moan and blinked, looking over towards the backyard. He narrowed his eyes and went to investigate. He realized the moans were coming from underneath the deck and he took out his phone. He turned on the flashlight and scanned the dark depths. He was just about to put his phone away when something caught his eye. He leaned forward to get a better look as the object turned its head to stare at him.

 

* * *

 

 

Hawkins cracked open an eye as a scream rang out. He lifted his head and looked over to his closet where he kept the living doll. He saw that the door had been opened and the window was opened as well. He pulled the covers over his head as some of the other members of the house ran out of their rooms to investigate the screaming.

 

He really should have warned everyone about it.

 

Oh well.

 

He'll worry about it in the morning.


	2. Cats vs Dogs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not all Straw Hats will be mentioned in this chapter, but don't worry, they'll be in later chapters.

 

"I'm going to stop feeding you and your moss growing head one of these days."

 

"You'd never do that. Now, shut up and get in that kitchen."

 

"How fucking dare you, you fucking marimo! How dare you speak to me that way!"

 

"You're still talking? My sandwich isn't gonna make itself, ya know."

 

"You piece of shit!"

 

Sabo uncomfortably shifted in his stool as he sat at the mini bar area with Luffy and Ace. "Are they always like this?"

 

Luffy and Ace both nodded. "Yep." The latter was staring intently at a match stick that he was trying to light on fire using his mind. The idiot thought he could turn things on fire by just willing it to.

 

Luffy was scrolling on an iPad at various hero comics, giggling at scenes he thought were particularly funny and occasionally nudging Ace and Sabo to look at them so they could laugh too. "They should just get married already." The younger brother said absentmindedly.

 

Zoro choked on his beer, a hand coming up to cover his mouth as he coughed. Sanji stopped stabbing whatever dead thing was upon the cutting board to stare at Luffy, his cigarette nearly dropping from his lips.

 

"Luffy," Ace began slowly, leaning up from his match stick to gaze worriedly at his brother. "I don't think you should have said that-"

 

"Why would I **ever** marry a god damn plant?" Sanji glared at Zoro.

 

Zoro tilted his head. "I don't wanna catch curly brow syndrome from him." Zoro lifted his beer to take another drink, but realized it was empty, setting on the floor beside him. "If you wanna be my wife, you gotta act like it. You can start by grabbing me another beer."

 

Sabo's jaw dropped as Sanji moved with lightning speed, the huge knife he was using was now embedded in the wall beside Zoro's head. Sanji then started to kick Zoro, the green-haired man taking his swords out to block the hits. "Should we stop them?"

 

Luffy didn't look up from his comic reading. "Nah, let them fight it out. They do it all the time anyway." He then set the device down and leaned on Sabo. "Sabo! Bathtime!"

 

Sabo was sure Luffy was getting younger instead of older, but he didn't mind. As long as Luffy wasn't setting forests ablaze like Ace was probably about to do or doing gang related stuff, doing childish things like bathtime was ok with him.

 

"Well," Ace said, his eyes never leaving the match stick. "I'm going to go burn something." He then added quickly as Sabo narrowed his eyes at him. "I'll use dead leaves this time."

 

"You better, or the next time you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out." Sabo huffed as Luffy charged upstairs, yelling to Chopper about bathtime.

 

"Alright, alright." Ace said as he quickly exited the house.

 

Sabo sighed and barely dodged a flying kick from Sanji. The curly browed cook instantly stopped fighting. "Oh! Sabo! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

 

Sabo held up a hand. "Don't worry about. I'll be taking my leave now." He took his hat off and bowed out of habit.

 

Sanji bowed back and then turned to glare at Zoro. "Why can't you be a gentleman like Sabo? You're just a brute!"

 

Zoro snorted. "That just ain't my style. Didn't I tell you to grab me another beer?"

 

And the fighting continued.

 

* * *

 

_I can't **stand** that damned marimo!" Sanji had his arms crossed as he spoke to the camera. "Stupid brute! I just want to wrap my hands around his neck and just-" Sanji made a choking motion with his hands, before leaning back into his seat. "Stupid idiot. I hate everything about him! His green hair. His stupid face. Those soft lips. His chiseled chest......"  Sanji sighed and looked off into the distance as if lost in a fantasy world._

_The camera zoomed in on his starry eyed face as a smile started to sprout upon his lips. "That...Sexy marimo..."_

* * *

_Zoro sat with his arms crossed, legs spread. "There's no way I'll ever like that shitty cook. Stupid, curly brows."  He sighed and looked away. "He's pretty damn flexible, though."_

_The camera zoomed in on his face and he glared at it. "The fuck are you looking at?"_

* * *

 

"What did I tell you about burning shit, boy?!"

 

Ace looked up from the mini forest fire he had started to smirk at Smoker. "Well, if it ain't Smokey the god damn Bear! Ya here to lecture me again?"

 

"Listen, kid," Smoker took his cigar from his mouth. "I don't know why the hell you're always out here starting fires but those fires could get out of hand and destroy peoples' lives. So knock it off and go home."

 

Ace looked at the fire and shrugged. "It'll go out on its own like it always does."

 

Smoker rolled his eyes. "Yeah, after the firefighters dunk water on it."

 

"Gosh, no wonder everyone says to stay away from you." Ace complained. "You're no fun."

 

"I'm a cop! It's my job to stop idiots like you from causing mayhem." Smoker put his cigar back in his mouth.

 

"And it's my job to keep burning shit or I'll go insane." Ace gave Smoker a toothy grin.

 

"You already  **are** insane."

 

"No, I'm not."

 

"Yes, you are."

 

"No."

 

"Yes."

 

"No?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"Yes!"

 

"NO!"

 

"Gotcha, you stupid cop!" Ace yelled, laughing like the idiot he is.

 

* * *

 

_"StUpId CoP." Smoker mocked. He then huffed and sat back against the interview couch, shaking his head. "Where are this kid's parents?"_

 

* * *

 

"Listen, Brat," Smoker took a couple steps closer. "I honestly don't give a shit whether you like burning shit. This is your final warning. Burn garbage or something safe."

 

"I did, and guess who stopped me? You did." Ace then tilted his head to the side. "Don't remember? I guess your memory is as foggy as the smoke killing your lungs." Ace smirked again before turning around to walk away.

 

Smoker grabbed him by the arm and turned him to face him. "Don't sass me, boy."

 

"Then don't tell me what to do!"

 

"Then follow the rules of the law!"

 

"Fuck you and the rules!" Ace snatched his arm from Smoker's grip before lighting a match and throwing it into a patch of long grass off to the side.

 

It grew quiet between them as the fire started small then began to get bigger. Ace nodded his head. "Impressive ain't it?"

 

His smile dropped as he noticed the look of murderous intent on Smoker's face. The cigar had dropped to the ground as Smoker tackled Ace to the forest floor. " **YOU LITTLE SHIT**!"

 

* * *

 

Sabo wished Koala was here, but she had gone out with the rest of the girls for a 'Girl's Night Out'. Dragon was barely around anyway, so he couldn't rely on him to help calm Luffy down. Not like Luffy would even listen to his 'dead beat' dad; Ace had referred to Roger and Dragon and even Sabo's parents as 'dead beats'. Sabo didn't really think so, but Ace and Luffy don't listen to him much anyway. Sabo was currently trying to find some sort of music to put Luffy and Chopper to sleep. Usopp had mentioned something about Blackmill earlier before heading out with Franky to a repair shop that they currently worked at. So, Sabo searched that up. To his surprise, it was the best type of relaxing music with its calm beat and suave tempo.

 

Luffy was currently rolling around in his bed while wearing a red onesie with a hood that had monkey ears on it. He sat up instantly as what sounded like far away screaming could be heard from the forest next to their house. "What's that?"

 

Sabo recognized the yelling as Ace's and hoped Luffy couldn't. "Ah, it's just your imagination. Lay down before you wake up Chopper." The little reindeer boy was already snuggled under his blankets, his nose twitching as he slept peacefully.

 

Luffy lay down as was asleep in mere minutes. Sabo smiled as he let the ten hour Blackmill playlist run its course and set it down on the desk beside Luffy's bed. He decided to go downstairs and get something to drink right when his cell phone rang.

 

He saw that it was Ace calling him, so he answered. "Ace, what the hell was that screaming about?"

 

Ace laughed sheepishly on the other end. "Well... I'm kinda in a situation.."

 

"Didn't I tell you that if you got arrested-"

 

"That you wouldn't bail me out, I know." Ace interrupted. "But, Sabo... This is serious.."

 

"You said that last time!"

 

"I know, I know, but this time..." Ace's voice trailed off as another voice began to speak.

 

"Hi, I'm guessing you're Sabo." 

 

Sabo cursed under his breath. Really, Ace? Smoker? _Again_?

 

"Yes, That's me." Sabo sighed.

 

"I see that this isn't the first time you've had to get him out of trouble." Smoker sounded amused.

 

Sabo took a deep breath. "No, it isn't."

 

"Well, if you don't mind, I'll be keeping Ace with me for about a week. Hopefully he gains at least one brain cell by Friday." 

 

"Rude!" Ace whined, but Smoker quickly told him to shut up.

 

Sabo pinched the bridge of his nose. "Of course. You can have him for a whole month if you want." He teased.

 

"Sabo.. Brother.. don't do this to me." Ace said hurriedly. "I thought you loved me."

 

Smoker snorted. "Don't worry, he'll be out by the end of the week."

 

Ace must have gotten the phone back because he started to try and get Sabo to help him but Sabo simply sighed. "What am I supposed to tell Luffy when you don't show up after a few hours?"

 

"Just tell him I'm out with friends..."

 

"I'm telling him the truth."

 

"You really don't love me."

 

"Have fun." Sabo then hung up, leaning against the edge of the wall as he put the phone back on the hook. He was about to continue on his way to the kitchen until-

 

"I'm still waiting on that sandwich, you know." Zoro said quietly.

 

"You can make your own damned sandwich!" Sanji's voice was hushed.

 

"Guess I'll just starve then and I know how you don't like it when someone is hungry...."

 

"You twisted son of a frog!"

 

Sabo heard the sounds of fighting and turned back around to head upstairs.

 

They really are like cats and dogs.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is the Marines and their lovely trip to Sam's Club


	3. Grocery shopping gone wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love how Garp and Sengoku are sometimes referred to as the elderly couple and I think it's gosh darn adorable!
> 
> I know how some of the characters seem a bit OOC, but I'm trying to merge their personalities with the characters from Modern family to make it humorous and not so serious. ^^;

 

The ride to Sam's Club was quite... Eventful.

 

If Sengoku wasn't yelling at Garp about his terrible driving abilities, then it was usually Akainu bitching about Kizaru and his sudden addiction to the 'career destroyer', otherwise known as weed. Coby and Helmeppo sat at the back of the Toyota HiAce van with Fujitora. They were currently describing what they looked like to the blind man; a normal conversation gone awkward as Fuji began to comb through Coby's hair with a gentle hand.

 

"Pink hair..." He said as he petted Coby.

 

"Y-yes, sir.." Coby frowned at Helmeppo, who tried to hide a laugh behind one hand. "Helmeppo's hair is bright blonde." Coby could have made a face at his friend, but was stopped from doing so by a roaming hand across his face.

 

"Bright blonde? Like the sun?" Fujitora asked, his head tilting in Helmeppo's direction, though he couldn't actually see him. "Is it long? Is it short like Coby's? Is it soft, too? Can I touch it?"

 

Coby could have cried at how kind Fujitora was compared to the other riders and driver in the van. It was better to stick to him than with anyone else during the shopping trip. Garp would just pile tea and crackers into the cart, then laugh about it when yelled at. Sengoku wasn't that bad to be around, but Coby would be too flustered to hang around the Fleet Admiral to properly shop. Akainu and Kizaru? No way in Satan's lair would Coby ever shop with them. Akainu was _way_ too scary. It was bad enough that he was riding in the same vehicle as Akainu. Kizaru was just.... odd.

 

Very odd.

 

"I don't care if it makes you 'feel good'." Akainu growled from the middle row seats. "I don't want any of it."

 

Kizaru laughed, his sunglasses shining every time the sun flashed in the tinted windows. "Come on, you won't die if you just try it once." He took a long drag from a blunt he pulled out from seemingly nowhere and rolled the window down, releasing the smoke from his lungs.

 

"I don't **want** to try it."

 

"Wow, I never knew you to back down from trying anything." Kizaru rubbed his chin slowly.

 

Akainu gripped his arm rests. "Fine. Give it here." He said between gritted teeth.

 

Kizaru handed the blunt to Akainu, snorting as the other man took a drag, made a face, and blew the smoke out. "Great, right?"

 

"I just blew 10 years of my life out of the window."

 

"You only tasted it once."

 

"Once is enough. I'll stick to cigars, thank you very much." Akainu handed the blunt back. Right when the blunt was just about to be in Kizaru's hand, the car went over a pothole causing Akainu's hand to jerk and fling the blunt straight out of the open window.

 

"Drive correctly and **stop sleeping at the wheel, you jackass**!" Sengoku shouted from the front seat. "I don't know why I let you behind the wheel, but this is the last time!"

 

Garp simply laughed, one hand on the steering wheel. "Quit yer bitching. I've got this all under control-" His head leaned back as he began to snore. Sengoku basically unbuckled his seat belt and took the wheel into his own hands.

 

"One day, we're all going to die and you know what the cause will be?" Sengoku snapped at Garp, who had jolted awake as Sengoku was practically in his lap trying to steer the van properly. " **You're shitty driving**!"

 

After what felt like an eternity of near fatal accidents, they finally arrived at Sam's club. Sengoku had parked the van in the back where there was enough room to maneuver, just in case Garp ended up driving again, which was definitely not gonna happen. Ever.

 

"Alright," Sengoku announced as they made their way to the doors. "When we get inside, we'll split up so we can be out of here and back home in record time. We shouldn't need much since this store seems to sell everything in huge quantities- **GARP, GET OUTTA THAT DRIVING CART! YOU CAN WALK JUST FINE**!- Anyway, as I was saying..." Akainu and Kizaru were sent to the frozen food aisles while Fujitora, Helmeppo and Coby were sent to the health and beauty area. Sengoku was stuck trying to get Garp from trying to buy a trampoline. God knows he'd send the poor youngsters into a new galaxy with how heavy he is.

 

Coby sighed inwardly before lightly touching Fujitora's arm to guide him to a cart Helmeppo had pulled out. "We just have to get the medications on the list, then meet up with Sengoku and Garp, wherever they'll be."

 

"Right." Helmeppo nodded as the trio slowly headed to their destination.

 

_meanwhile....._

 

Akainu was sifting through some of the meat products, a hand on his chin as he picked up a giant slab of meat. "They weren't kidding when they said everything in this store was huge." He stared at it before tossing it into the cart. "Hey, do you think-" He looked up and Kizaru was nowhere to be found. "Kizaru?"

 

_On the other side of the store....._

 

Kizaru was just standing there, hands in his pockets, in the electronics section. He stared up at a TV screen that showed two animated characters fighting, but their arms looked like springs you'd find in a mattress. "ooooh.." He looked down at a controller that was propped up on hanger that protruded from the wall behind it. He picked it up and began to play the game. At first, he was stuck on the menu screen, unable to process where the PS4's touch pad was until it started on its own. He looked down and spotted a little girl holding the other controller beside him. She smiled up at him and began to set the game up for a match between them. She seemed to know exactly what she was doing, despite her young looks, since she utterly destroyed him in the first few rounds. Kizaru was finally able to understand most of the controls and was able to beat her once before she put the controller down.

 

"Looks like I gotta go." She said. "It was nice playing with you."

 

Kizaru smiled, but before he could say anything, a voice sounded behind him. "So this is where you went off to." He tilted his head at Akainu as the magma man pushed the cart up to him, putting the controller back on its hook and slipping his hands back into his pockets.

 

"Hey, you found me."

 

"Seriously, what is wrong with you?" Akainu didn't wait for an answer and turned the cart around. "Come on, we got all the frozen foods we need, lets see if we can find the Fleet Admiral."

 

* * *

 

 

"Will you stop adding unnecessary items to the cart?" Sengoku sighed, rubbing his temples. For the past 30 minutes, Garp has done nothing but knock random items into the cart as if Sengoku wasn't obviously watching him every time he did it. Garp even had the audacity to steal grapes right out of the bag in the fruit and vegetable area.

 

"I'm not telling you again." Sengoku had seethed. "Stop. Eating. The. Damn. Grapes!" Sengoku hoped that Coby and the others would get a decent amount of Advil, because he was going to need it.

 

"Are you guys married?"

 

Sengoku looked down at a little boy that was innocently looking up at him with big brown eyes. "Uh, no."

 

"Well, you act just like my mommy and daddy do."

 

He blanched. _What in tarnation-_

 

"Oh, yes." Garp came up behind Sengoku and put an arm around his waist. "We love each other _soooo much_!"

 

"Ok. Bye bye." The child waved at them with a tiny hand before running back to a cart that must have been his parents'.

 

Once the child was gone, Sengoku wiggled out of Garp's hold and glared daggers at him. "Go sit in the van."

 

"I don't have the keys."

 

"Guess you'll have to sit outside then."

 

"But it's hot out there!"

 

"Burn for all I care."

 

"Why're you so unloving?"

 

"Why're you so annoying?"

 

"Am not!" Garp pouted.

 

"I am **NOT** about to have this argument with you in the middle of a grocery store-"

 

"Technically, we already are-"

 

" **OUT!"**

 

Garp turned to leave, but not before knocking a pile of tea and crackers into the cart. Sengoku prayed upon whichever God was out there to hold him back from beating that old coot in front of everyone in the store.

 

* * *

 

 

_"I don't know why I haven't thrown him out yet." Sengoku huffed, crossing his arms. "It's like living with a giant toddler. They break things left and right, eat up all the snacks in the house and cause destruction wherever they go."_

 

_The camera panned out to show Garp passed out on the kitchen floor, cracker snack crumbs littering his beard. "At least they go to sleep fairly quickly and stay asleep for decent amounts of time so I can fix the damage the monster left behind." Sengoku shook his head as he stood up, grabbing the empty cracker bag and throwing it away before picking up one of Garp's legs and dragging him out of the camera's sight._

 

* * *

 

 

"Should we get both, just in case?" Coby held up a bottle of Ibuprofen and Advil.

 

Helmeppo shrugged. "Getting both might be in our best interests." The blonde suggested, taking the pill bottles from Coby's hands and setting them in the cart.

 

Fujitora was sitting down at the pharmacy area, reading one of his braille books while Coby and Helmeppo decided upon whether or not they had enough Band-Aids or not, when two figures approached them.

 

"Ayy," Kizaru drawled. "We found them."

 

Coby went rigid as Akainu leaned over him. "That won't work." He reached over and grabbed a different box of Band-Aids. "We'll need the bigger kind. I don't know what you think a tiny Band-Aid like that is gonna cover."

 

"S-sorry.." Coby lowered his gaze. He heard Akainu let out a breath before a hand patted his head. He looked up, but Akainu was already heading over to speak with Fujitora. He lifted a hand to his head and just stood there.

 

* * *

 

 

_Coby was pressed to the edge of the couch, Akainu basically taking up all of the remaining space. It was silent between them until Akainu looked at him, arms crossed over his broad chest. Coby looked the other way, eyes wider than moons._

 

_Akainu looked at the camera, then back to Coby. He then sighed. "So, you've been training hard recently?"_

 

_Coby jumped at the sound of his voice and Akainu had to stop from rolling his eyes. "Y-yes, sir. I train everyday."_

 

_"Everyday, huh?"  Akainu stood up from the couch, moving an arm to pat Coby roughly on the back. "Keep it up, kid."_

 

_As he walked away, Coby released a breath and leaned back into the couch, before wincing and leaning forward again, rubbing his back. "I thought he was going to attack me... Kinda did..." He turned around and lifted up his shirt to show his back. "Is there, like, a bruise, or.."_

 

_"It's red," The cameraman said. "You might bruise.. I don't know.."_

 

_Coby sighed and let his shirt drop back down, looking away. "I'm sure he's out to get me. Especially after that one time I jumped in front of him.." He shook his head and looked back at the camera._

 

* * *

 

 

Sengoku finally appeared after Coby and Helmeppo finished shopping on their side of the store. Helmeppo looked around. "Where's Garp?"

 

Sengoku sighed. "I sent that idiot back to the van since he can't seem to behave like the grown man he is."

 

Akainu snorted. "Typical."

 

They soon went to the check out and bought all of their items, heading back to the vehicle. As they approached it, something seemed off. Sengoku opened the driver side door and peeked inside before loudly sighing. "Where the hell is Garp?"

 

"Hey, guys!"

 

Everyone turned to gap at Garp as the old man came towards them, puppies in his arms. "You'll never believe what just happened." He handed a puppy to Coby, Helmeppo and Sengoku, who looked ready to just strangle the bastard who stood petting a puppy in his own arms. "There was this little girl who was selling puppies and I thought 'why don't we get some pets to liven up the place'?"

 

"No, take them back." Sengoku said. "We don't have time to take care of dog, much less 4 of them."

 

"But," Garp held up a finger. "We can raise them to be guard dogs. Plus," He lifted a puppy into Sengoku's face. "Look at that face! How can you be so cruel?"

 

"I'm not being cruel." Sengoku said in a calm tone.

 

"Well, having a pet does reduce stress." Fujitora piped up, petting the puppy in Helmeppo's arms.

 

"See?" Garp smiled brightly at Sengoku, who sighed for the 100th time today.

 

"Fine," Sengoku finally said before adding quickly, "But, you're buying the dog food and housing for them."

 

"Sengoku, you're the best." Garp suddenly stepped forward and kissed Sengoku, who stood gawking, a puppy suddenly dumped into his arms.

 

* * *

 

 

_Sengoku sat there, looking dazed before looking down at the small puppy. The animal looked back at him with big, watery eyes and he scratched behind its ears. "Aren't you a cutie..."_

 

_The cameraman cleared his throat and Sengoku looked up, clearing his own throat. "Maybe having a pet... isn't so bad.." He looked back down at the puppy and continued to pet it. He then brought a hand to his mouth as if remembering what happened earlier. "That son of a-" The puppy yipped and he held the puppy up to his face. "Ah, I'll deal with that bastard later."_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Doffy ever get a text back from Crocodile? 
> 
> Will Vergo ever get the love and attention he needs or will he be ignored for the sake of a sandman? 
> 
> Find out in the next chapter of Modern 'Family'.


End file.
